Pretty Little Liars Recap: My Name Is Alison Dilaurentis, You Killed My Sister, Prepare to Die
The Liars are sitting in their fave new hotspot, Radley, discussing their boyfriends and all the shit they hide from them. If you didnt already know it, you wouldnt believe that this is the same place they were held captive and tortured merely five years earlier. They must make a fantastic brunch, because everybody seem to be magically forget that fact.
Hannah says she told her fianc Jordan about A, whereas Aria did not tell her BF Liam about it. But Arias fucking shady, we already knew that.
Aria is like, and everyone is like God forbid someone want to maintain a stable “fuckin portions”. We can’t all be bartenders like you, Emily.
They all are like and point to Sara Harvey, “whos also” staying at Radley. What a small world.
Turns out, Sara get liberated because she claimed to have Stockholm Syndrome, which Hanna calls Swedish Syndrome, from being kidnapped by A. Hanna thank god youre somewhat, because you seriously have the IQ of your pant sizing. They all envision Sara killed Charlotte as avenge for brainwashing her and I agree with them. Frankly, anyone who is willing to keep their mane that short should not be trusted.
Hanna confronts Aria about the fact that she left the inn the night Charlotte was killed and Aria acts like she cant fucking understand English. Aria was like I went to check my messages and it took me 2 hours and I get it. Its like, really hard being so popular.
Aria then tries to be like Hanna you two are drunk, you dont remember anything! but actually all you had to say was Hanna youre a dumb fucking shit who doesnt know anything and that would have been a good defense.
HANNA : strong> Tell us what you did
ARIA : strong> omg, can I live?
Spencers mom is getting Caleb to stop hackers from tweeting about Spencer, because thats how shit works in Rosewood. You have problems? Caleb will simply hack them away.
Spencer is like, and Caleb is like But then hes likeand they both laugh awkwardly while trying to manage their painful sex tension.
CALEB : strong> Ill rig the votes!
SPENCER : strong> No you wont! haha
CALEB : haha
SPENCER : strong> ha..wait can u really do that?
Ali is in the police station and Sara is there too. Rosewood, population of 20, and everyone is either an ex-murderer, rapist or liar. Lorenzo, the beautiful chocolate humankind, be coming back and says that Sara couldnt have done it because she has ignites on her body. WTF? From what? Who the fucking burned Sara and can I give them a fucking medal?
Lorenzo then rends of the fucking band-aid and tells Ali that someone broke Ceces neck and hurled her from the tower. Lorenzo is like it might be your best friend, they hate her because she tortured them and ruined “peoples lives”. Wow, thats some brilliant shit right there, Lorenzo. Its amazing youre not the fucking Director of the FBI with that detective work.
Emilys mom is trying to convince Emily to go insure her papas grave and Emily says no because of Ali.
Emily : strong> I promised Ali I would be available at her beck and bellow, so I cant see my dead papa. – Who requires pet bird-dogs when you have friends like Emily, right?
Jordan, Hannas fianc shows up to Rosewood. Hes got a terrible accent and looks like Dave Franco if he was like, 10 years younger and was a victim of a terrible lawn mower accident. I intend severely, what is up with this dudes face? I supposed Toby had a crater face- they could be long lost twins. Cant PLL cast a dude who doesnt definitely sounds like hes been living in extreme weather condition for the past year? Where did you find this person? The local Goodwill?
Also, why does he have an accent and why is he from the Hamptons? Who do you think you are with this fake accent? Madonna? Hanna is like , not aroused at all and I dont blame her. This shit is wack.
Jordan is like let me cheer you up and Im thinking- okay, sexuality. But no, he instead buys her meat. Hefty Hanna eternally <3
Before Aria leaves, she goes to visit Ezra who looks like he has been living under a bridge. Hobo grunge, so hot right now. Aria is like WE NEVER SAW EACH OTHER THE NIGHT CHARLOTTE WAS KILLED, UNDERSTOOD?! And hes like,
Aria get some fucking manners. If youre asking someone to be your alibi, at least say please. What were you raised in? A barn?
Emily is getting treatment for something, which may explain why she was popping pills last episode. Thats a bummer. I was hoping shed have a drug addiction. Now they might actually give her real health problems. Ugh. Way to ruin it, Freeform!
Ali, Hanna and Spencer are hanging out, discussing Charlottes gruesome death. Day in the life. They are like its Sara Harvey! and Ali is like, no its Aria, you dumb twats.
Turns out Arias Dad told Ali that Aria left a day early, making her obvi suspicious. Fuckin A, Byron. You had one job- dont fucking frame your daughter for murder.
After accusing one of her best friends of murder, Ali then invites the whole crew for a potluck dinner at her house. Sounds like a fuckin rager.
Back to Aria. Aria is at work, and instantly starts making out with her coworker, who is a hipster looking dude with glasses that look like he popped out the RealD 3d lenses off. So, Squints and the Lifeguard did have a son! Hes now fucking Aria.
They are sucking face, very obviously, and then are like, woah! We have a staff meeting to get to!!! Yeah no one will fucking suspect that. Aria, do us all a favor and go back to fucking teachers. Speaking of fucking teachers, Ezra wants to give his advance on the book back.
Ezra is basically a second semester senior at this point: drinking a lot and avoiding any form of work.
Emily goes to the train station and her card gets declined- POVO betch. You can go join Ezra under that bridge now. Some girl goes Hey youre Emily, right? and pays for her ticket. How does Emily do this? Does she have some sort magic vagina? Or are lesbians really this friendly? Can someone please answer these questions in the comments below?
Paulette : strong> So whats this Emily have that you dont? Three tits?
Me : Shes from Pennsylvania and can use some serious highlightings. But shes not altogether inauspicious looking.
Hanna and Jordan are talking but I dgaf because Im still confused about this accent. Is he Irish or Australian? And does he walk with a hobble? What is this thing that Hanna is engaged too?
Hanna tells him about Alis dinner and is like were bringing booze. Girl after my own heart.
Spencer and Caleb are hanging out, again discussing a gruesome slaughter, and Caleb is like no one will suspect you. Spencer, like a fucking Mythbuster, is like aha! But thats where you are wrong!
Turns out, Spencer wrote a newspaper in college on a woman who perished in the exact same route Charlotte did. Caleb says what Im thinking- what class was this? Severely? I took Art History in the 1800 s and you get all the interesting shit?
Also, Im sure no detectives are going to look through your school operate. Although, it has been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his Brief History of Time from my fourth grade paper. Caleb is like no one is out to got to get and its a huge coincidence-TELL THAT SHIT TO STEVE AVERY, CALEB.
Aria is explaining her relationship with Ezra to her boss and shes like Ezra was my high school English teacher and casually forgets to mention he swiped her v-card and was part of a team of people who tortured her for years. Slip-up of the psyche, really.
The boss is like Liam, you take over and hes like Aria, you just got replaced with this nerdy Skrillex looking wannabe.
Emily operates into the girl from the teach again, but upon further review I think its the girl who sold Spencer pot last season. She was my favorite character far and away. Pot Girl runs Ezras caf now, because of course. A rapist owns the storage, and a drug dealer manages it. Tag team! If you arent brewing coffee in this fucking township, then youre slaughtering people. There is no in-between.
Emily tells Pot Girl to keep it on the DL that she went to the medical center because apparently thats hot gossip.
Rosewood civilians : Omg did you hear that Emily goes to the doctor in order to stay healthy? What a fuckin weirdo.
Pot Girl tries to talk to Emily about the fact that she had cancer and Emily is like WELL I FUCKIN DONT SO PLEASE STOP TALKING. Whats an ABC Family demonstrate without a little bit of cancer?
Jordan and Caleb satisfy one another and its awkward because you simply wanna punch Jordan repeatedly because of his voice and face. Speaking of faces, holy shit did the makeup artist just skip over Ali? I signify severely, I get that shes grieving but did you have to age her like 40 years in one episode? She looks like Buttercup from Princess Bride, except extraordinarily less hot and malnourished.
Ali is like WHERE IS ARIA, I havent gotten ahold of her. And its like, Inconceivable!
Spencer tries to move the flowers and Ali has a fucking panic attack.
Ali: Those are the flowers I bought for Charlotte! That is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe! Does that entail nothing to you ?!
Spencer : My b, Ill leave the flowers* under her breather* you fuckin psycho”
Emily and Hanna are talking about college and Hannas like what do you do at school? and Emily is like uh, investigate and learn and Hannas like Omg youre so smart and cool!
Hanna discovers there is no wine opener in the house. This is worse than any torturing A have been able to . What do we do? Im a little stressed rn.
Caleb and Jordan are securing up the table and ok, it doesnt take two grown humankinds to set up a table. My granddad does it and hes like, in a fucking wheelchair. They have some awkward conversation about Hannas table- idk is that a sexuality thing?
Spencer is like hey Caleb, I have some wine glass in the pantry, can you get them?
SPENCER : strong> Hey mom, can you go set your mane?
CALEB: God, you keep me young. Adoration you girls.
Jordan is like, And Spencers like well, I dont not hang out with him. Oh, move fuck yourself Spencer.
Turns out they ran into each other in Europe, #firstworldproblems. Spencer was like it was amazing, confirming that she patently has a huge Caleb boner.
Caleb and Hannah are searching for glass and a wine opener- nothing brings people together like the pursuit of alcohol. They talk about that stupid fucking table, as if the rest of us give a shit. I dont imagine a table was a great plotline at this point.
They find glass and an opener and she goes looks like we both got what we need- good one Freeform, you cheesy piece of crap.
Ali brings up Charlottes death casually, AGAIN, and then is like let us say grace and thank nobleman child jesus. #StopWhitePeople. She then proceeds to give the most fucking threatening prayer EVER. Its like a passive aggressive message you send out on your sorority’s Facebook group.
Ali : strong> THANK YOU JESUS FOR FUCKING SMITING ANYONE WHO HURT CHARLOTTE AND ANYONE WHO IS HELPING HER, THATS NOT VERY SISTERLY AND YOU CAN ROT IN HELL, AMEN.
All the girls are likeI mean seriously, what divinity is Ali praying to? El Chapo? Ali stares down everyone and its awkward. Like truly fuckin awkward.
Meanwhile, Aria persuades Liam to let her talk to Ezra again. Liams like, whatever, will you still blow me in the copy room?
Hanna tells Spencer and Emily about Arias disappearance the nighttime Charlotte was killed and everyone is likeShockingly , not a bad idea.
Emily and her mom are back at Ezras caf and her telephone goes off with a reminder for a doctors appointment. Emily lies and says she has an interview at the hospital and its like Emily, aint no one interviewing your ass , now attain me a tequila sunrise.
Emilys mom lays the your father would be proud of you” card and Emily is like, fuck me rn. She looks into the distance and happens to see Aria sneaking up to Ezras hut.
Let me just say, this shit is real- Ezra looks like crap. Aria tries to talk to Ezra about his next book and he devotes it to her, went on to say that she is going to loathe it.
Aria asks Ezra if he killed Charlotte and hes like oh me? What? No. I didnt do anything. Thats crazy! Hahaha, why would I slaughter someone ?! and takes a large swig of alcohol. If there is anything that I have learned in so far, its that 5 years forward is pretty much the same shit, but with a lot more booze involved.
Oddly, thats the most realistic part of this whole show. You do the same shit, just booze more wine.
Spencer and Caleb are talking about something that happened 3 years ago and its like a more annoying Timehop. Spencer is the stereotypical college daughter who analyses abroad:
They are get real sentimental rn and Im two bottles of wine in and dont know how to feel. But seriously, its 3 years and a vacation in Europe and youre just now having sex tension? You did Europe wrong then, my friend.
ARIA DOES SOME SKETCHY SHIT, PART 302842
Hanna is looking at her mommies security videotapes, and its like how does she know how to work a high tech security system but doesnt know what Stockholm syndrome is? Oh thats right- she never attended high school, but fucked a computer hacker for four years.
They should be noted that Aria meets up with Ezra, leaves with him and then comes home alone. This sounds like something I would tell my friends I did at a frat party while we try and piece together the night
Me : strong> Okay so I left with Ezra, but came to the bar alone. Where was I between midnight and 1am? I have an $11 charge on Uber. Where did I move?
Emily is like should be used delete the footage? and Hanna is like Emily dont be immature. We dont lie and do illegal shit anymore, she says as she twirls her mommies stolen keys to the safety room.They decide they are able to talk to her, like civil adults. They confront her in a fucked up in person three-way calling attack.
Spencer : strong> So Hanna have said that you snuck away the night Charlotte was murdered. Wasnt that bitchy?
Aria : strong> Sure, “its been” bitchy. But Im sure she just wanted the attention.
Hanna : strong> I cant believe you think I crave attention!
They ask Aria what happened and she flashes back 😛 TAGEND
Aria is talking to Ezra about how she cant sleep because she feels bad about the Charlotte thing. They are in the Radley lobby rn, which is where they were seen in the cameras. Aria is like lets gtfo of here.
They start strolling and Aria is like Im drunk and crave pizza and Ezra is like, we dont have any pizza places here, merely insane asylums and coffee shops.
They recognize Charlotte walk into the church, again back to that population of 20, and Ezra is like this is the fucked up world “were living in”. Nicole( his girlfriend who was abducted by terrorists, #neverforget) get taken, but stupid fucking Charlotte gets to walk free. Nicole is just as cute as Charlotte, we should all simply STAB CHARLOTTE.
Aria is like, woah buddy u good? Ezra gets weird and is like and practically hurls her drunk ass into a taxi. Aria is seen staring out the window, still drunk, still thinkin about what Ezra is doing with that pizza, doe.
Aria is back, talking to her friends and is like he didnt look at me when I asked about Charlotte, which signifies he is lying and everyone is like YOU ARE RIGHT.
Spencer is like, and everyone is like, Spencer talks about how she met up with Ezra while she was in college. Is anyone else like,
She told him about the case she wrote for that class, about the dame who died the same way as Charlotte. The Liars think he tried to retaliate Aria by killing Charlotte. What he needed to do to avenge Aria was kill her hairdresser. Severely. Whoever told her an ombre bob was the new chic mane was severely disturbed.
Everyone is like, uh Aria, youre going down with this Ezra ship because you were with him and Aria is like,
Spencer shows her momma the paper she wrote, and Spencers mom is like, Good topic Mrs. Hastings. It fucking isnt.
Emily goes back to visit her dads grave and is telling him about their own lives. She admits that she flunked out of school and fell out after he died, which is like sad but likewise like truly predictable. Likewise, why is she in a graveyard at night? Cant you go in the day? Like, there are people out there fucking murdering people.
Emily is exclaiming to Daddy and Sara Harvey comes up, looks a lot like a teenage Aaron Carter with slightly bigger boobs. Emily runs away from Sara, off into the nighttime like the dramatic lesbo she is.
Aria is researching Nicole. Okay, Im all for ex-stalking. But like, when said ex is a POW, at what phase have you gotten a little fucking insensitive? But whatever. Something is up with the Nicole thing. Did she succumbed or is she just kidnapped? I have lots of questions and no more wine, shit.
Hanna deletes the security footage, because her friends fucking suck. She goes to bed in a fugly ass nightgown nightgown and perfectly curled eyelashes. I would expect this heinous nightgown on Spencer, or even Aria, but not Hanna. Im not mad, Im disappointed.
Ali calls Lorenzo and tells him she thinks that her friends had something to do with Charlottes murder. Hes like YES! I KNEW IT !!!!!!
Meanwhile, person be applicable to set grows on Charlottes grave. Okay, thats another fucking person at this graveyard at night. Come thru the graveyard, its lit.